AT HOME WITH XENIA TOLSTOY

 

Xenia ( Buckhurst ) Tolstoy’s home is a study in contrasts - heritage and modernity, East and West, Russian grandeur softened by English restraint. A descendant of Leo Tolstoy, she channels her storied lineage into interiors that feel both opulent and lived-in: gilded touches alongside muted palettes, ornate details paired with clean, contemporary lines. The result is a space that whispers sophistication, where every texture and tone tells a story of cultural duality and effortless elegance. Here, Xenia shares the inspirations, rituals, and philosophies that guide her distinctive style of living beautifully. 

 

STIL: Your home beautifully combines influences from Russia with traditional English style. I know your friend Victoria Von Westenholz helped you with the interior design. The prints, ceramics, the rugs & fabrics - has your collection been gathered over many years or have these items been sourced especially for your Sussex house?

XB: I have been fascinated by my surroundings for as long as I can remember which developed my love of interiors.  I have bought things over the years from antique markets and inherited some art work along the way.  I get a real thrill out of finding a hidden treasure in a charity shop, antiques market or interiors shop.  Recently I was in St Mawes, in Cornwall, and unexpectedly saw some beautiful, inexpensive clay pots next to the deli where I was buying a crab sandwich.  It’s the thrill of sourcing and searching, much like with clothes, that’s the joyful part.

I really value buying in person as opposed to online, it’s something I hugely miss since our world was turned upside down by Covid.  I much prefer an organic, loved and lived-in look rather than a professionally designed one.  I also love having furniture reupholstered and making something old look beautiful again, it gives me so much more pleasure than buying new.  

STIL: You have used Décors Barbares fabrics throughout - what drew you to Nathalie Farman-Farma’s designs?

XB: Her love of Russia, Iran and Central Asia.  She has uniquely designed fabrics which reflect these cultures.  I didn’t want our English country home to be overtly Russian as I feel it’s a bit affected, especially as my children have such a strong English heritage, so it was a more subtle way to bring in beautiful patterns and colours which encapsulate Russia.  I adore the rich colours she uses, the patterns are simple yet have depth and somehow instantly conjure up a nostalgic feeling of times gone by.

STIL: Your London home, can you share with us a little about its style and how it differs from your home in Sussex?

XB:  Funnily enough our flat in London has a more traditional English feel than our Sussex home.  I used Robert Kime wallpaper and fabrics all the way.  As it was my final project, with my now ex-husband, I went all out and chose fabrics I couldn’t afford on a larger scale in the country!  

STIL: Although it’s an old house the living areas here are mostly open plan which offers a sense of freedom and flexibility. Did you have to make structural changes and how does the space work for you as a family?

XB: The house isn’t actually that old, only around 100 or so years.  An estate manager chose to build what was originally a cottage in this spot, and since been added onto, in this spot as it has such dramatic views across the estate.  It wasn’t planned to move here full time during the first Covid lockdown, it just happened that I unexpectedly sold our London house at this time and subsequently felt it was the perfect time to live in Sussex full time and give our two young children a proper country upbringing. It was only really a few months into lockdown living that we realised we had no separate rooms downstairs.  We then decided to convert an old boiler shed into an outdoor office which gave my husband a quiet space to be able to work from.  After years of going up and down five floors in a narrow house in Battersea it was heaven to be living so freely together on two floors.  But winters are hard as we are so exposed to the elements, the rain comes in horizontally on all the windows and it gets freezing cold for what feels like an eternity.  Thankfully we have an Aga which we gravitate towards but it gets so cold in the larder my children and I play ”rock, paper, scissors” to see who has to go in!  So we didn’t have to make any structural changes, except take down the best part of a wall to create the kitchen/living room area, it was pretty much all cosmetic.  As we were still based in London at the time of decorating, it meant the builders could crack on uninterrupted but even then it took a good few months to make the house beautiful and habitable.

STIL: Your family descends from Tolstoy, one of the most influential Authors of all time whose most famous works include Anna Karenina and War & Peace. Do you feel a connection to your Russian heritage?

XB: Yes, absolutely.  I studied Russian at university for a year or so, before majoring in Theology.  I spent about six months living in Moscow and a magical summer in a Russian friend’s dacha outside St Petersburg.  Whilst I was studying I read a huge amount of Russian literature, some of which was in the original Russian.  I adore the melancholic, soulful style common to Russian authors.  Whilst I am a romantic I am also a realist and spent many happy hours in my twenties reading everything from Tolstoy, Turgenev and Dostoevsky to Pushkin.  I was christened in the Russian Orthodox Church and married in the Russian Orthodox Cathedral in Ennismore Gardens.  Despite marrying into a very old English family ( Sackville ) I have retained my love of Russia and feel both Russian and English.  My grandfather had to escape from Russia to England as a young child during the Revolution, with his English nanny in 1921.  It’s a truly wonderful story but very sad that my ancestors lost everything they had materially.  My grandfather married an English woman and my mother is completely English so naturally my Russian heritage has been somewhat watered down but I am very proud of my Russian roots and feel my children are incredibly lucky to have such interesting ancestry on both sides.  The Sackville family is in fact older than the Tolstoy family but both ways they have plenty to read up about as they grow older!

STIL: What family traditions do you share with your children?

XB: We go to church nearly every Sunday.  My two children were baptised in the church on the estate, St Michaels All Angels, and it’s a wonderful privilege that we can attend their family church.  Vita Sackville - West’s ashes are buried in the family vault and there is a Sackville chapel within the church so it’s very much steeped in history.  I am a traditionalist at heart and feel it’s more important than ever, for everyone, to hold onto and celebrate their roots in this ever increasingly diverse society we live in.  As a divorced parent, perhaps I am overly compensating, I want to give my children a true sense of identity without which one can feel lost, especially now with the anonymity of modern life.  I still strongly believe in marriage and want my children to share my faith and values but to ultimately be equipped to be able to make their own minds up.  Going to church challenges us mentally as well as spiritually, sadly this doesn’t appear to happen in their school.  Education has become very child centric but children shouldn’t be brought up believing they are the centre of the universe!  

STIL: Raising children in this era we have much to navigate - how do you traverse this modern terrain of screens, social media and the problems the country ( big question! ) is facing?

XB:  I am something of a dinosaur when it comes to screens.  I can’t bare the sight of an adult staring at a phone, let alone a child!  Neither of my children have an iPad or iphone, if they are with their father they know they can call me from a landline or ask to use his phone.  I am fortunate that when my children are with me I can implement my rules, albeit a struggle at times, and as I am naturally phone phobic I don’t find it hard to be present with them.  We play a lot of cards and boardgames, go on walks and bike rides, cook, paint, sew, play table tennis - all the things I did when I was little.  I love nothing more than chatting to my children so we invent games and do silly things like a bake off or play charades.  I always end the day by reading to my daughter, it’s such a calming, soothing wind down for both of us.  Plus I get to reread all my favourite childhood books and they are just as exciting at my age!  I don’t think phones have to dominate modern life but as I said it’s a lot easier now I am a single parent to implement my beliefs.  We also love camping and sailing and doing things together whereby we are all on an equal footing.  Hilariously the other day we went to Go Ape and I had no idea what I was in for. I bottled it on the first zip wire and I had to come down.  But it was very sweet as my nine year old daughter was the one coaxing me on, neither of them had any fear!  I thought it was wonderful that she was in a position to offer me encouragement as it seems young children today are frequently being helicoptered and told what to do by adults.  

STIL: Over the past few years there has been and is still, much division in the World and people don’t seem able to listen to one another. Brexit/ Covid/ Immigration etc., these things have tested families, friendships and colleagues. Do you keep your opinions close to your chest or perhaps those that surround you share your views?

XB:  I wish I could say I kept my opinions close to my chest but I do have strong opinions on all these matters.  I think it becomes self-fulfilling as naturally one ends up surrounding oneself with like-minded thinkers.  But I love meeting new people and I don’t have a fixed friendship group, I have friends of all ages and backgrounds.  I think Covid unfortunately divided lots of families, my own included, and consequently broke society down in a way that seems irreparable.  I believe in freedom of speech and that everyone should be able to have opinions without being accused of all sorts of biases.  Critical thinking is part of development and survival.  I tell my children to "question everything - including your own questions!”.  Sadly we can’t believe what we read in the papers and must therefore rely on our own minds to make sense of what we are being fed.

STIL: Do you have any wellness daily rituals or daily routines you can share with us?

XB:  I am pretty erratic here - I love routine but also variety.  I live for my morning coffee with hot, frothed milk and love my evening treat of some chocolate when my children have gone to bed.  I do like things to look forward to in my day no matter how small they are - a dog walk, a cup of tea (always Earl Grey at around 4/5 pm, just the one!) or seeing a friend - so whilst I find routine reassuring I do at times get fed up with it.  It’s those dark, freezing mornings doing the school run which sends me over the edge by February.  I very rarely make plans and am notoriously late for everything so I imagine I must thrive on spontaneity.  I loathe the thought of people knowing where I am 24/7 and I am lucky that I enjoy my own company and am used to spending a lot of time on my own.  My divorce made me realise how lucky I am in the grand scheme of things - a roof over my head, two healthy children, my friends and family - it allowed me to reassess my outlook and be able to fully appreciate the things which are important to me.  I feel in a way I have been given a second chance and I can live my life how I want to which is wonderfully liberating.

STIL: One of the things that first struck me about you was your natural glow. What does your beauty routine consist of?

XB: I am quite disappointingly basic here!  I have used a Jurlique cleanser and moisturiser for years but have recently discovered MUD Organics Sea Buckthorn serum which gives my skin a glow.  In the colder months I also love Susanne Kaufmann's Nourishing Rich cream ( from Stil ) I don’t drink nearly enough water and have dehydrated skin as a result so this is the perfect fix!  I love my sleep and need at least eight hours a night, there is nothing more healing and restorative than a deep sleep.

STIL: What is your approach to exercise?

XB: Hmm, little and often!  I can’t live without a long walk with my dog each day and fortunately we are spoilt for choice where we live here.  The landscape is some of the most uplifting and unspoilt I have ever seen.  I have walked on my own for as long as I can remember and it’s my favourite form of therapy and exercise.  I do yoga once a week and swim in our pool in the summer but beyond that I am fairly terrible.  I don’t believe in putting myself through torture for no good reason however, oddly, I have always wanted to run a marathon so who knows!

STIL: You have a unique style that combines a feminine aesthetic with timelessness - I think this is why Loretta Caponi looks as though it was made for you. Has your style changed over the years and do you have any particular style philosophies?

XB:  Yes my style has changed over the years, especially since having children.  Living in the country means I want to dress practically but that doesn’t stop me from wearing beautiful clothes.  I adore clothes and find it’s a wonderful way to express myself.  Colour is very important to me but I also love a simple, classical look.  I now know what suits me and what doesn’t and I tend to stick to that, so whilst I don’t experiment too much I love to add to my wardrobe and update it with new knitwear, blouses and jeans.  I do seem to end up wearing jeans an awful lot but then that makes it easy to vary my look with a new pair of boots or top.  One of my favourite knitwear designers is Lisa Yang which I found at Stil - I just can’t get enough of them!  I very rarely go out in the evenings so it makes it extra special when I do have a wedding or a party to go to.  Then I really look forward to planning my outfit and getting dressed up.  

STIL: You often choose Thierry Colson from Stil for moments that matter - what is it about his dresses that makes them so compelling?

XB:  The fun, flirty, eye-catching prints he uses.  I love the simplicity and comfort of his designs and yet how they manage to bring so much freshness and joy, he is a very clever designer.  You can’t not be happy wearing Thierry Colson!

STIL: What is your most treasured item?

XB: It’s not exactly an “item” but it has to be my beloved dog Pumpkin.  She is a rough haired Jack Russell and she has been firmly by my side for 13 years.  We do absolutely everything together and I get more compliments about her than any of my wardrobe! ( As we chat, Pumpkin is ever present at Xenia’s feet! )

STIL: Can you share with us your favourite holiday destinations?

XB:  I adore camping with my children. We had a brilliant holiday last year near Lewes overlooking the sea and the South Downs.  It’s basic but such good fun.  I have travelled a lot over the years but my favourite holiday destination of all has to be The Gower Peninsula in Wales.  I have been going there on and off for 40 years and it never ceases to amaze me.  It has such a wild and romantic landscape which hasn’t changed since I was little and propels me right back to my childhood.  We stay in a tiny house all on its own in a cornfield on the edge of a cliff, the beaches are magical and the walks amongst the heather and sheep make my soul soar.

STIL: A typical Sunday in the Buckhurst household? 

XB:  Croissants, a lie in, church, followed by lunch out, somewhere local like The Hatch Inn, a dog walk, and a family film by the fire in Winter.

STIL: What are you currently reading? And do you have Tolstoy’s books in your library?!

XB: Naturally I have all of Leo Tolstoy’s works on our shelves!  My father, Nikolai Tolstoy, is also a well known author and his books dominate our shelves too.  I am currently reading “Cold Comfort Farm” by Stella Gibbons which is set in Sussex and I am hugely enjoying it.  I tend to dip in and out of books depending on my mood - I actually have Henri Troyat’s brilliant biography of Tolstoy on the go and have just finished “You Are Here” by David Nicholls.  

STIL: If you could offer a style tip what would it be?

XB: Dress up but definitely feel comfortable.  Confidence is always more attractive than a painful pair of heels.  And remember you wear the outfit not the other way round!

 

Xenia’s signature style - chic, relaxed, and entirely her own, flows seamlessly from her wardrobe into her home. For many years, STIL has been fortunate to complement her story with pieces that embody effortless elegance.